I've been diagnosed with depression officially for 6 years. Unfortunately I think I have suffered with it for much longer than that. I have what I like to call working depression.
What do I mean by that? I zone out, shut down, but my body still functions. I still get up, go to work and do what I need to do in order to make sure I don't lose my job. But the moment I'm home it's like I can't deal with anything. even eating tends to be a chore. I lay down and sleep for hours.
I ignore my responsibilities, cleaning, eating, sometimes even bathing. It's a real issue and most people don't realize how severe it can be. I wish I had a healthier brain. I wish I didn't tear myself down. But unfortunately it's not that easy.
I take medicine and I notice a huge difference. In fact, right before I went on this medication I just couldn't get in a good head space. I started slipping at work, I failed to do anything that made me feel productive. I kept tearing myself down to the point where I was this close to breaking. I remember it still to this day.
I was sitting in my shower, in a fetal position, in my apartment. Just staring at nothing. I kept thinking, why bother anymore. It scared me. I started crying because I couldn't even save myself from myself.
I've come a very long way since then. But I still have my moments.
I say this because I started to fall back into that state. NOT FETAL POSITION state but where I started to shut down. Not care about anything.
This week I'm focusing on self love. Because sometimes we need to remind ourselves how much we are worth.
And my worth is priceless.
until next time,
Nicole Lynn
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