it's been a minute

 Remember in my last post that I sometimes get so overwhelmed that I just shut out of everything?

Well...

I did that with this blog. I set up a schedule day by day, almost down to the minute and I put myself into a panic attack. I had to take a step back and see how I can make this work.

Writing a blog everyday was just too much for me. I felt like I wasn't able to relax unless everything on my daily to-do list was done. That stressed me out the most. So I think I worked out a system that is going to be best for me.

Blog once a week at minimum. If I choose the need to blog more, great, but there is no pressure there.

I felt that blogging everyday made me not want to write and then I would get defeated that I didn't write anything. But then that made me sad because I have all these ideas in my head that I want to write down but I just didn't have the mental space to do it. 

So this week I am taking a lot off my plate so I have more time to get creative with it. I mastered my work schedule and now it's become so routine that I actually plan on adding more to my lists. It's my personal schedule that I struggle with. 

I need consistency, especially on the weekends, or else I notice that everything I worked so hard for during the week, unravels. So I need to find my consistency on those two days.

I know that the weekends, you should unwind and relax to get ready for the work week ahead, but I think I need to set plans on the weekends to stay moving because I've noticed, through my habit tracker, I lack almost everything. I think it's because I give myself the excuse that I'm allowed to procrastinate and not do everything right then and there. But I think that's what I have to change in my mind. 

Just because I have all day, doesn't mean I should do nothing all day and then cram it in at the last minute and be annoyed.

So we shall see in a week how I do!

Until next time,

Nicole Lynn

depression, let's talk

     I've been diagnosed with depression officially for 6 years. Unfortunately I think I have suffered with it for much longer than that. I have what I like to call working depression.

    What do I mean by that? I zone out, shut down, but my body still functions. I still get up, go to work and do what I need to do in order to make sure I don't lose my job. But the moment I'm home it's like I can't deal with anything. even eating tends to be a chore. I lay down and sleep for hours.

    I ignore my responsibilities, cleaning, eating, sometimes even bathing. It's a real issue and most people don't realize how severe it can be. I wish I had a healthier brain. I wish I didn't tear myself down. But unfortunately it's not that easy.

    I take medicine and I notice a huge difference. In fact, right before I went on this medication I just couldn't get in a good head space. I started slipping at work, I failed to do anything that made me feel productive. I kept tearing myself down to the point where I was this close to breaking. I remember it still to this day.

    I was sitting in my shower, in a fetal position, in my apartment. Just staring at nothing. I kept thinking, why bother anymore. It scared me. I started crying because I couldn't even save myself from myself.

    I've come a very long way since then. But I still have my moments. 

    I say this because I started to fall back into that state. NOT FETAL POSITION state but where I started to shut down. Not care about anything. 

    This week I'm focusing on self love. Because sometimes we need to remind ourselves how much we are worth.

        And my worth is priceless.

until next time,

Nicole Lynn

thought dump

     Listen. I'm about to make this a therapy session. 

        Being a boss is draining. I get it that I'm responsible to cover when co-workers can't stay, but for those co-workers to not even care that I have a life too?

    Freaking sucks.

    Just because I don't have a child or responsibilities after work doesn't mean I don't have a life. You know this year I'm trying to focus more on myself. I can't do that if I'm stuck at work just because people can't stay. Guess what? What if I couldn't stay? What if I had to go to an appointment right after work? Just because I'm your boss, it's okay not to care? That you can just leave without worry?

No. That's not okay, and that's not fair. I try very hard to make sure everyone is happy, but clearly they don't care if I'm happy. I'm a nice person, and unfortunately I'm probably too nice. 

    Do you know what I found out today?

    Every single person that works up front with me doesn't want to be there. I thought I was an easy to talk to person. I never judge and I'm always willing to work out a solution. So surprise surprise to me when I get freaking blind sided by a meeting from one of them.

    I totally understand that it sucks that we are short staffed and you have to do multiple jobs for less than what you should be being paid. Want to know how I know? I've been there! I'm still there!

    I am still assisting with my old position, new patient scheduling, I'm doing referrals for 4 providers, setting up transfusions for 4 providers, taking care of insurance issues, finalizing co-pays, doing no show letters and cancellation letters, and rescheduling patients. Oh but let's not forget I cover LITERALLY EVERYONE WHO CALLS OFF!

    So just add hospital consults, check in and check out at this point. 

    So yeah, I get that you are stressed and hate that you don't want to do multiple jobs. I get that you aren't being paid correctly, because I know for certain that I am not getting paid enough. But I still show up, I still do what needs to be done, I still help out when I can. Is it because I'm too nice or is it because I take pride in my work?

    Because I'll tell you right now it's the latter. I was taught at a young age by my parents that you put your all on whatever you do because at the end of the day, that's your name. Your name is what is on that job, do you really want to half ass it and make yourself look bad? Obviously not. 

    So showing me that you would rather leave and not care about anyone else, just leaves a sour taste in my mouth about who you are as a person. 

    I just have to remember to give out to the universe what I want to come back to me. So I'm taking some deep breaths, I wrote out my frustration, and I worked out.

Tomorrow is a new day and I'm hoping it's better than today.

Until next time,

Nicole Lynn

What is the most valuable lesson you learned about your past relationship?

     This question sticks out a lot to me. What was my most valuable lesson from my last relationship?

    Don't lose yourself in order for them to love you.

    Let me explain. My ex and I were together for close to three years. I thought, no I knew, I was in love with him. I was head over heels for this guy. I practically did anything and everything for him. But that's where I started to lose myself. I shouldn't be following around like a puppy. I shouldn't compromise myself in order to make my significant other happy.

    I found that something happened in our relationship that I would have never done for someone else. But I didn't realize I did it until it started to bug me and he told me that he's always done it and now I have a problem with it.

    That thing? Was being pushed over.

    He wasn't always like that. I would have never been with him if that was the case. He won me over by his jokes, his easy to talk to personality, overall it was easy to talk to him. We would hangout all the time, text when we could. I was always happy and smiling and excited to see him. But then he started to stay at my apartment more and more. He would be off from his job in the winter and stay at the house, eat and leave dirty dishes, leave lights on everywhere. I would come home from work and walk into a mess most times with no consideration. 

    His response? I told you in the beginning I do not do dishes.

    That should have been my first red flag moment. Unfortunately that was one of many. I would let him continue to stay at my apartment, continue to dirty up the house without him cleaning up. But I also yelled. A lot. I hate when lights are on for no reason. You should turn off the light in the bathroom if you aren't in there. You should flush the toilet, you should also put the seat down. For me I mean the seat and lid, but I'd take just the seat down. 

    Remember I grew up in a home of primarily all guys. It was just my mom and I in a house of 5 guys in the house. Every single one of them put the seat down. It is not a hard concept. So when I would go to the bathroom and see that it wasn't done, I would tell him over and over again. To the point that yes, I started nagging.

    I would nag over and over because it was never done. I sat him down and told him, if 5 guys in one house can do it for a minimum of 18 years, what was his excuse?

    Now remember I myself am not perfect. In fact I hate cooking, so we created a compromise for the dishes. I'll do them if he cooks. Okay fine. But then he started to ask me to cook the sides, or cook on certain days. I would ask, if I cook does that mean you clean the dishes for that night? That's a simple request, a fair request one would say.

    Apparently I was wrong. No matter if I cooked or not, I had to do the dishes. there was no give and take with him. It was his way or nothing. I turned into a maid in my own apartment. 

    The days that he did clean, he would point it out and wait for me to say thank you or good job. Like I was congratulating a toddler for cleaning up his toys. 

    But I noticed when I wasn't myself anymore. I would start to bite my tongue, stay quiet and speak when spoken to. 

    Guess what guys, if you can't already gather, that's not who I am. I'm a born leader. One who jumps first into action, to stand up for myself. I am a people pleaser to my core unfortunately, and I think my ex took advantage of that.

    I'm trying really hard not to cast him in a negative light, because I genuinely did love him. But reflecting on our relationship, I don't think I was loved as much as I deserved.

    That doesn't mean he didn't love me, I hope he did love me the way he said he did. But what I mean is the way that he could love wasn't enough for me. We are very different people and I want to be swept off my feet, to feel acknowledged and unfortunately, he never provided that.

    Since we broke up, I almost felt a weight was lifted off my chest, off my shoulders and I was able to breathe again. I see the world in a new light. One of happiness, and live in the moments. I am so proud of discovering myself again. Falling in love with things that make me happy again. Working out, reading, writing, blasting music and dancing like a crazy person in the kitchen or living room. 

    Moral of this story if you should take away anything,

        Don't ever compromise yourself and your voice just to settle and make the other person happy. If they can't see you the way you learned to love yourself? Then they were never meant to be in your life. 

Until next time,

Nicole Lynn

introduction

 Introduction

    So let me introduce myself.

My name is Nicole Laurie. I was born on September 9, I live in Buffalo, NY and I'm 28 years old.

Usually when I get told to talk about myself I tend to shy away from facts about myself and turn it into my family. So on this blog I am going to try really hard to keep it about me. But lets get my family part out of the way.

I grew up in a household of 7, two real brothers, four step brothers, then myself. My mom started seeing my step dad when I was two and a half years old, so for all intents and purposes, he is my dad. I don't remember my biological father, sperm donor is what I refer him to, and I'm glad I don't. My dad is everything to me. He raised me into the person I am today. When I turned eighteen, I asked if I could change my last name to his. We got a lawyer and he said for a couple hundred dollars more, we can do an adoption. That's exactly what we did! It finalized the day after my actual birthday and for nine years I've been grateful enough to have my dad's last name and his name on my birth certificate. 

But yes, I grew up with only brothers, I'm the baby and only girl. No I am not spoiled. At least I don't think so anyway. I'm incredibly grateful for the family that I have. We were raised all the same, and I think that's a great thing. Just because  I was a girl, didn't stop them from teaching me sports, or my dad teaching me how to fix things up around the house.

Here are some facts about me that make me who I am.

I love reading and writing. I adore cows, they are my favorite animals. Right next to dogs. I snack like my life depended on it. Especially pretzels and chocolate. I love the summertime, walking around barefoot. I get incredibly hormonal on my time of the month, which includes getting angry and crying at just about anything. 

But as a person, I know that I am kind, selfless, caring and a hard worker.

I am a supervisor at my job that I have been at for three years now, and I am very proud to be doing what I do every day. I work at a satellite office for Roswell Park in Williamsville for the Hematology and Oncology office. I feel like I am doing my part by helping those who are at their worst in their life, but it helps remind me that I could always have it worse and that my problems aren't as big as I think they are.

I think I was able to cover the basics of who I am, and the more that I write, the more you'll get to know me, I'm sure.

This is me,

signing off

Nicole Lynn

What did the first day of 2023 look like for you?

    This year I already started off on a great note!

    I rekindled my friendships with life long friends and you know what we did today?

Bowled.

    Now to many people, you're probably thinking, wow you went bowling on the first day? How boring. But for me? Probably most of the people here that live in Buffalo, Cheektowaga specifically, we love to bowl!

    My brother actually makes a joke that when you meet someone new and you find out where they live he says to them, "Oh you're from Cheektowaga? What's your average?"

    It's funny because we bowl a lot. I've been in a bowling alley for as long as I can remember. My family and I used to bowl together and it was a great time, until I sucked. I was a bit of a sore loser for a while, I would get upset because I wasn't doing well, wouldn't listen to people trying to help me, and then just fail.

    I was on the bowling team for my high school, then went to a league with my brothers and parents. Eventually, my brothers left the league, I added my friends into the mix and we had a grand time. I bowled at Sunset lanes for a minimum of 13 years. 

    Yes you read that right!

    Anyway, let's get to today. My friends and I signed up for a bowling tournament. We started at 10 am, and I wasn't on the same lanes as them. In fact, I had to bowl with 5 other people I had no idea who they were. But I got out of my introvert shell, introduced myself and guys...

    I had a BLAST!!!

    I was carefree, I engaged in conversations, and I did really well in my games!

    I had never done a tournament before and there was so much going on. After each game you grab your ball, your items and you move to another lane. It threw me for a loop, but I stayed consistent. I had a 165, 175, and 172.

    We had so much fun in the first round, my friends and I did it again! My arm tired out and so my scores reflected that but my last three were 156, 142, and 125.

    Yes, those are great scores. But the people that were bowling, the ones I was with especially, were in mid 200 scores. I even witnessed a 300 today which was crazy!

    But the moral of the story. Today the first day of 2023, I already achieved my goals. I got out of the house, I interacted with people I didn't know, and actually made friends, and I finished today by doing a yoga session to stretch out my muscles. (Throwing a 15 pound ball for 6 games really wears out on your shoulder.)

I started this year with a bang, and I am riding on a great confidence high. I am so proud of myself!

Until next time,

Nicole Lynn