attitudes, let's talk about it

     I know everyone has an attitude, including myself, but the way one handles a situation tells me a lot about yourself.

    Let's start with me, so that way I can show you I'm not perfect and I never will be. My attitude hits me like an inferno, hot, fast and burns anyone and everything in its wake. I don't mean to be so aggressive, but when I have a build up of anger, my anxiety tends to take over and it just spills out of me. I tend to say and or do things in the heat of the moment and then regret them immediately. 

    With that said, I have been much better on my anger management. I take a deep breath before I say anything. I walk away from the situation and seclude myself so I don't scream or yell at anyone. Since taking my role as the front end supervisor in my job, I deal with high stress situations daily. I take everything that is thrown at me, compartmentalize the situations and address them the best way I can.

    But then we bring in people with their feelings and emotions. Working with predominantly all women, you can imagine how much estrogen is in the air. But each person handles stress differently. I can handle my own so that way I am not yelling, condescending, or belittling anyone who comes to ask me. Unfortunately, not everyone is like that. So the tone of speech gets warped and makes it sound like said person is now yelling, condescending, or belittling you. Which then results in you returning the tone and now you have people made at each other. I would say for no reason, but the fact is, there is a reason.

    Most people, when they are angry, don't care how they sound. They want the issue they are upset about resolved as quickly as possible done in a way they would have done it, by someone else. Which lays the issue. Why bother being angry and talking to X, Y, and Z gossiping and projecting instead of talking to the person you were having an issue with like a mature adult?

Because we live for the DRAMA!!

   

     Anyone who tells you they don't, is lying to your face. We crave validation in our anger, to show we are justified in being upset. 

    This is no reflection on today, per say, but just in general in my life I have noticed. If you take a step back, really take a step, to see how people react when they are angry, you can see how they handle situations. 

    The people who step away, let them. Unless you want them to blow up on you and say things that will upset you more, let them take a moment to compose themselves.

    The people who have to get validation on why they are angry, those are the ones I'm trying to figure out still. To me, it makes no sense to bring someone into a situation they have no part in. You create an environment now that no one wants to be in, one that creates a headache to rectify. But over all then you have people talking behind others back and I think that in itself is a nasty trait on someones personality.

I was always told, 'treat others the way you wish to be treated,' now I may not have always done it but in my adult years I strive for this. I would never want someone to talk ill of me behind my back. I would never wish bad things on anyone, no matter how much they may have hurt me. This is all because I truly believe in karma and if I put bad karma out in the world, it's going to hit me ten times harder than what I put out.

Moral of my rant today,

be nice in your word delivery, it matters.

until next time

this is me

signing off,

Nicole Lynn

Christmas 2022

This year for Christmas, I'm not with my family. I can't go into my car, drive to my parents and enjoy the company of them and my siblings. Which is really sad when you think about it.

I've lived in Buffalo my whole life, and I've talked about the storms that I have encountered before, but this one hits me differently. I'm home alone on a holiday I was very excited to celebrate this year.

Let me explain...

My parents have played Santa and Mrs. Clause for so long in my life that I wasn't so excited to celebrate the holiday. I wasn't a fan of Christmas music because they are the same song over and over. 

But this year, I was excited! I got the twinkle and the spirit back like I was a child. I was anticipating the first snowfall, and when it happened I ran outside to play in the snow. I jammed out to Christmas music in my car, at my house, even at my job, much to my coworkers dismay since I am not a great singer. As the days started coming closer to today, I planned out outfits for work, I wore a gingerbread sweater, fancy red boots, green sweaters, anything that would remind me of Christmas time!

But then two days ago we had a blizzard. Which resulted in everyone in Buffalo staying where they were. The wind and snow were so bad that the plows weren't even on the road. 

I lost heat the first night, others are still out of power, and my heart goes out to them. Dogs are unable to get out to go to the bathroom because the wind is so blistering and there's too much drifts against the houses. 

I sit here writing with a sad heart, because I can't hug my parents, I can't sit with them and have dinner or sit and play cards. I don't care about the presents, truly, I just want to sit with my family. 

But I know that everyone is safe and warm, including me because I was a big girl and fixed my heat by myself!

So to everyone who is with their family this holiday, I hope you give your loved ones an extra squeeze of a hug.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. 

This is me,

signing off

Nicole Lynn

The Blizzard of 22

Buffalo, let's talk about it

I think when I tell people who aren't from here that I am from Buffalo, three things come to mind.

• Buffalo Bills
• Chicken Wings
• Snow

Which yes that is all true, we have but we are more than that. We are called the city of good neighbors, and I never understood that as a kid because I thought everyone was raised to help out. But moving out on my own I learned the value of that title.

In my 28 years of living, this is now my 3rd blizzard I have lived through. 

First the Octoberstorm, which I was still a kid in 2008 so I was over the moon excited. I didn't have to go to school, I got to play outside in the snow with my dog, I was living the childhood fantasy. Looking back at it now though, I remember we lost power, there was no way of going to the store. I thank my parents for holding it together and not showing the hardship it probably was to not only supply for multiple mouths in the house but to not let us worry.

Then came Snowvember in 2014. I was technically loving with my parents but the night before I was at my ex-boyfriends house and I got stuck there for a while. I remember that one, boy was it not the greatest. I woke up to go into work at Tim Hortons, and I couldn't find my car. As silly as it sounds, I didn't have my phone charger, my ex had a different phone than I did so I didn't have great communication skills with anyone. I was at least able to tell my job I couldn't make it, and tell my parents I was safe. Which I was. By the second day of being stuck in the house, the ex and I went and started to dig out my car. The neighbors, helped and we helped them. I never caught their names but it didn't matter, they were very nice and helpful through the craziest weather. 

Which brings me to the storm I'm dealing with currently. I'm not sure what they are calling it yet, I've heard the blizzard of 22, bomb cyclone, winter storm Elliott, but I think my favorite is Christ Mess of 22. 

Because that is exactly what it is. A. Mess. 

The wind is beyond crazy, blowing snow everywhere creating large drifts up against homes. Today on 24 December 2022 marks day two of this storm and let me just tell you, it's already been a journey. I lost my heat at eight at night. I have a wall heater with a vent on the outside of the house and, I have never been so cold in my own home to save my life. I am currently pumped with more hormones than normal, because well womanhood, so I started crying and I couldn't stop. I called my dad and I'm sure I scared him because he doesn't do great with crying, but the wind was so brutal no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get my heat back on. So I went to bed with too many blankets one can count, multiple layers of clothes and woke to seeing my breath in my own home. 

So I wallowed, I cried, and complained. But then I cleaned up, and looked in the mirror and said, "you are stronger than this and you can take care of this situation." 

That's exactly what I did. I put on my winter clothes, wrapped a scarf around my face and trekked out into the snow. I thank God for snow pants, because I had many drifts up to my waist. I had to go through the back door to get to my front porch because I couldn't push open my door. When I finally made it to the destination, my vent for my heater, I saw nothing but ice. So I spun my shovel around and beat the ice, taking my anger out for making me cold.

But then I noticed that there was ice inside the vent, so I dug out my front porch so I could get my hammer. Yes, you read that correctly, my hammer. But I knew not to beat the life out of the vent, so I lightly tapped it to break the ice up. I walked inside, took off my outer layer of clothes and got back to trying my heater. It took a bit, but I was determined and FINALLY I was able to get the heat to stay on.

So now it's hours after the incident and the snow falls are picking up again, but I at least know that if it goes out, I can fix it. I am so proud of myself for being able to do it all by myself and that feeling will never go away. 

I'm not sure how the rest of Buffalo is doing, but I know Cheektowaga is a bit of a mess right now. Can I say I've seen worse? No, but I can say things can only get better. Until then, Buffalo's Christmas Eve is in a whiteout with no end right now.

Until next time

this is me,

signing off

Nicole Lynn

preparing for the new year

 preparing for the new year

    As 2022 is coming to a close I am starting to prepare for my goals on what I want in my future. I try to not think ahead too much because then my anxiety cripples me from doing just about anything. This new year though, I'm trying something new.

    Journaling.

    I recently started following someone on Instagram who had the most beautiful hand writing, @memoriesbymeyers, and it inspired me to take control of my life. Prove that I have a purpose and a to-do list and that I can actually accomplish my goals, instead of "getting around to it."

    So here I am, getting a head start on said goals since I'm stuck in a house in Buffalo with a winter storm.

    My goals are pretty simple, and all geared to being more selfish. Wait, let me explain. I've recently just got out of a 3 year relationship that I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life. At least, I thought that in the beginning, as most people do. But I've learned throughout our time together just how different we are as people. 

    I categorize him as my COVID-19 relationship. Because that really is what it was. We got together at the end of 2019, then the pandemic hit, where everyone had to stay indoors, we loved each other. I do believe that. But once the public was able to move about, I noticed just how opposite we are. 

I'll get into that story more on another blog, this one though is to set out my goals. So here is what I plan to achieve in 2023...

• a weight loss routine I can stay committed to
• to journal every day, even if nothing happened
• to finish writing my first ever book
• a reading goal of: 100 books this year
• to give myself grace

    It may not seem like a lot, but for me it's going to be a new challenge. I've been able to grab my depression and put it on a leash, after years of struggling. But I still have days where I just can't do anything. That's where this blog comes into play. 

    Instead of an actual journal, I'll be blogging. So that way I keep myself accountable because I'm making this public for anyone to read. Even if no one does, I really want to help myself do this. I am always stopping what I am doing to help others, but I never get around to taking care of myself. So I sit here, a blob of raging anxiety, depression, and anger issues. At least I know my faults right? Each day I'll post something. it may not be much, it may be a rant so that way I can get some of my anger out of me. But as long as I'm writing something every day, that's all I care about.

    So... how do I plan on keeping these. Most people when they say they have a new year resolution, that's it. There is no game plan, and sloppy execution which makes them not want to stick to it.

•     weight loss journey

    I feel like this is the staple of "new year, new me" but I have been all over the place with my workouts. I've noticed though that I'm more at ease when I do them, especially in the morning, because it releases my stress and anger without repercussions. So I am keeping myself accountable by joining a group with friends with the same common goal! Each day we will be talking and interacting with each other with real and raw emotions. I can honestly say, some workouts make me want to quit and then I don't continue, so knowing I'm not alone will help me stay on track and be motivated.

 

to journal every day, even if nothing happened

     This one is more for me. To express my feelings that day without accidentally yelling at someone. I believe in Karma and I try my hardest to be respectful to everyone. But at some point, you can't be happy all the time. I'm human and a natural human emotion is anger. But with my anger, because I tamp it down so much, it stews and then I word vomit and say something in the heat of the moment. Usually something I instantly regret. So I am hoping by writing my emotions, telling my day to day life, that I can release some stress and keep it out of my mind once I write it.

       

• to finish writing my first ever book

    I've recently gotten back into my writing, and I love it. I have so many ideas that I want to get out of my brain. So I want to finish a story and figure out how to publish it, but I want to finish it first.

       

• a reading goal of: 100 books this year

    This one is easy. I had this goal and reached it. But because I don't want to always read, even though I wish I could, I don't want to escape reality that much. I want to have a good enough life to want to live. In order to do that, I have to take more adventures and go out of the house more, so I'm thinking it may not be so easy to get this many books in, but I'll try.

• to give myself grace

    This one I actually have been working on since my relationship ended. I am reminding myself that it's okay to mess up and have faults. That this feeling of sadness is only temporary. I will be patient with myself and that is called personal growth.

    I'm not sure yet how to wrap up these blogs, but I'm sure I'll figure it out. In the mean time...

This is me

signing off,

Nicole Lynn